Thursday, 11 December 2014

Vlürch - Kenosis (2014)

ပျိူံ့းཀྨཱིཾ་ဌ်ာံ့ঙৣঁঃ  |  ०͕̫̖̝̯̞́ϟ͎̻̰̞ⴕ̦̼̺͎͎̤̙̀͐̽̓͒ͣᅴ͂̌́͑ͯⴑͫ̋̉̄͂ͫ̀८͐ͤ̈́◜̇̈́̑̎̓ͦ̈◜̣̙̺̿̉ͨͯ̚ϡ̪̅ͯ̎̽̒  |  ૐॐༀ៚

1. Samsara
2. Manala
3. Pandora Deliria
4. Rahu
5. The Cloven Visitor
6. Apotheosis
7. Kenosis
8. Naraka
Click song titles to listen on Youtube.

Download: click here
You can also download it from Bandcamp if you prefer that.

०८◜◜०ⴕ

So, I just finished this new album. It's pretty epic if I can say so myself. Most of the songs have lyrics in random as fuck mixtures of various languages and plain and simple gibberish, though there's some English as well, and whenever any of it makes any sense it's something about religion and mythologies. Not in a way that's pro-religion or anti-religion, just about that stuff. Anyway, I hope people like it, but if not, tell me why because I honestly think it turned out better than anything I've ever done before; I mean, this is a bit like how I wanted "Empyreal Obtenebration" to sound but just wasn't good enough at anything yet to do that, but on the other hand there isn't all that much in-your-face synth stuff*. And I don't sound like Gollum anymore when I sing clean vocals, at least not unless I want to. Anyway, let me know what you think if you listen!

Here's my Facebook page, by the way, if you wanna "like" it.

*Speaking of which, I kinda want to do a new, better version of "Feeding the Demiurge" one day in the future. The reason I haven't already is that I have no clue how I got that weird ass synth sound and haven't succeeded in getting that type of a sound again. Even if it sounds ridiculously bad and doesn't fit the song, I feel like it's an important part of what makes that song what it is and if I'm gonna do a better version of it, well... it'd need to have that anyway. Maybe if I get in that successful mood without having to arse too much, I'll also do a new version of "Four-Dimensional Fractal Maze". I probably wouldn't make it as dissonant, though...

Monday, 3 November 2014

Film review: ABCs of Death 2 (2014)

...

wat






That said, this was surprisingly entertaining. To be honest, I already forgot a lot of it straight away because of how stupid it was, but the last three thingies were absolutely fucking amazing. Ridiculously over the top, messed up and hilarious while still managing to be creepy. Well, I mean, the "Zygote" thing. The "Youth" thing was just funny as fuck and had me laughing the whole time. I liked the "Vacation" one as well, and not only because of the sexy nudity and BLOOD GOES EVERYWHERE LIKE SPLASH SPLASH. But holy, dear fuck that last one. I... I just... like, I don't even... what... the... fuck.

Because of the last three and some of the others, I'll give this 65/100. If it was just those three, or the other stuff was as fucked up and awesome, I'd give it 99/100. But nope. It had a lot of boring stuff that ended just as it got interesting.

Saturday, 1 November 2014

New songs + horror art stuff + an announcement of some kind

Here are some new songs, at least some of which will be included on an album sometime in the future:

Larvae in the Trance Clone Unit

This one's all over the place and I'm really proud of how it turned out, especially the noisy ass parts and the part in the middle with the porn samples. I guess it could be called noise/trip hop/trance/techno/industrial/black metal/jazz/ambient if genre labels like that are necessary. The lyrics, in case anyone gives a shit, are pretty much gibberish with some words from Japanese, Finnish, Latin, Hungarian, Lithuanian and some other stuff.

Listen on Youtube: click
Free download: click


~

Magical Reverse Cowgirl Scouts

I'd wanted to do a song called "Magical Reverse Cowgirl Scouts" for a long time and started working on it already like half a year ago, but for some reason didn't get it finished until now. Maybe it's because I wanted to make it live up to its name, and I'm not sure if it still does... I should add some cowbell. Might do that later today if I somehow manage to find the arse necessary to accomplish that. It's kinda funny how this started out as a hip hop track, but somewhere along the line it kinda went somewhere else. Oh, and it has the first proper guitar solo I've ever done in a song. Well, not necessarily "proper" since I recorded it in like six takes and sped it up, but meh... I do what I want and I wanted to do that because in the end it sounded how I wanted it to sound. Obviously.

Listen on Youtube: click
Free download: click


~

Oxymoronic Florilegium: Heath Priviledger's Mindfuck Parade (the police are coming, hide the sausage!)

Not that anyone cares, but I actually recorded a lot more vocals and guitar stuff and everything and did a long ass synth solo for this song, but in the end I just couldn't be arsed to include all of that... in part because my computer would've exploded and in part because I'm a lazy assface.

Btw, the lyrics are supposed to be ridiculously stupid and parody a bunch of stuff but I'm not sure if all of it can be made out. Basically, I took a big steaming dump on everything and everyone I've been influenced by, or at least that was the intention.

And yes, I used the word "nigga" once. Problem? Because if that's what you focus on, seeing the world in black and white is probably on the top of your list of priorities...

Listen on Youtube: click
Free download: click



~

The Cloven Visitor

I'm really proud of this one, and somehow miraculously it didn't fry my hard drive to shit; it uses about 1.2 GB of memory in FL Studio, which is way more than it can normally handle. If it isn't obvious, it's a song about uninvited ungulates. You know, like the Devil, homicidal unicorns and creepy ass deer and stuff. I meant to make it even longer, with a part starting from where it ends that has only vocals and then going into an epic crescendo finale that blows the shit out of everyone's minds, but sadly couldn't do that because my computer just couldn't handle it.

I feel like doing a "part 2" of this, but don't hold onto your headphones or speakers or whatever because I might not actually have the motivation.

Listen on Youtube: click
Free download: click


The Nurse Bleaches Mannequins

This one's really, really short because I suck at rapping and since it's a horrorcore track (or at least it's supposed to be one), that involves rapping. I realise that half of the reason why this sounds like total shit is that I added barely any effects on the vocals, not to mention that I forgot to breathe a lot so it's all gaspy and quiet and shit, but meh. I'm still pretty happy with it. The sample in the intro is from "The Rambler", which is one of the best horror films of all time.

Listen on Youtube: click
Free download: click


Romantic Dildo Exorcism

I realise that the drums in this one are way too quiet at some parts, but well. I'm too lazy to fix that, and besides, I don't think it sounds bad overall even if the mix is a bit weak-sounding. Some of the lyrics are in English, other parts are a mix of Latin, Japanese and Finnish that makes no sense at all. Also some total gibberish because that's fun.

Listen on Youtube: click
Free download: click


~

And then, here's some art or whatever. Edited from whatever photos because fuck copyrights, and honestly, if someone cares then they're either an idiot who thinks way too highly of me (I mean, who's even gonna see these? Ten people?) or has a massive stick so far up their ass that they think the moon is made of cheese and cheese is made of human shit.

Click to enlarge, obviously.




~

And now, an announcement of some kind. Like some of you probably know, I've been collaborating with the awesome chiptune person Onesimus Kain and we've already made one album together, "Lachrymose Mesoglea". But wait, there's more! We've already finished another one! It's pretty cool, and will also be downloadable for free sometime soon. It's probably a bit more "mainstream" than the first one, but still weird noise pop/ambient/whatever stuff.

Also, like I already mentioned, I'm kinda working on an album of some weird ass stuff myself. It's probably not even half-done yet (or it could already be finished, it's all down to how arsed I can get), but I have a release date set in mind that's a goal or whatever, but I'm not gonna say anything about that definitively because that'd only make me want to hurry and I don't want to hurry. So, just expect it in the first quarter of next year, mkay?

Saturday, 25 October 2014

Film review: The Taking of Deborah Logan (2014)

This review will have some serious spoilers, so if you don't want that, stop reading. If you haven't watched this film yet, and this is the first time you hear of it, for the love of everything you hold dear, watch it as soon as you can and avoid trailers and reviews like the plague. The less you know and the less you expect, the better it will be.

Best demon-themed horror film I've seen since "The Possession"! I had unusually high expectations since I thought this would be something unique, so I honestly expected this to be a huge let-down, but thankfully it was literally the exact opposite: unlike just about every other similar film, it was unpredictable and didn't rely too much on jump scares. Although the fact that it involved demonic possession came as a surprise to me (I mean, I expected this to be some kind of fucked up psychological shit), and I hope the writers/director intended it to be an early plot twist of sorts, since if that was their intention and they pulled it off this well (that in the beginning, it could've gone anywhere), that only makes this feel like an even more amazing film.

I'm pretty sure I've already mentioned in some other review that I practically never watch trailers, so of course I've gotten used to sitting through hours of total shit and my standards aren't all that high, but there's no bias in the statement that this is one of those films that will make it into thousands of people's top 10 lists this year.

...but it's not perfect. There are some half-assedly covered plot holes and at times the effects are a bit over the top in terms of comparative realism within the film itself, but they're far from ruining the atmosphere. One thing, though, that half of the plot relies on, seems to have been completely forgotten by everyone involved in the making of the film: the levitation/teleportation/whatever. Like, that's the first genuine mindfuck moment, yet it's the only one of its kind. Why does she suddenly not do it anymore, and what the fuck was the point of doing it in the first place?

Anyway, that's nitpicking. The ending was absolutely terrifying, and this is the first film I've ever seen pull off a demonic mouth-stretch effect that actually works and looks creepy as hell rather than laughable. I'm gonna give this 99/100. Try to beat that.

Sunday, 3 August 2014

St. Kain & Wormwood - Lachrymose Mesoglea (2014)

So, here it is: my collab with Onesimus Kain. It's pretty awesome, if I can say that without sounding like half a douchebag. :3


01. Explosive Ophthalmectomy
02. web in ur brains
03. An Adam's Apple a Day Keeps the Witch Doctor Away
04. A Hand, Crumbling
05. Told You to Run
06. A Hole in One Man's Meat is Another Man's God
07. To the Bears

DOWNLOAD

So... yeah. Download it, and be like "I was among the first to download it before these guys became famous as all hell", because that's totally gonna happen. I-I mean... w-why are you l-looking at m-me like t-that? D-did I... oh. Oh. Ok.

(I might write some longer rant about how awesome it turned out and how smoothly things went collabing with Ness, but I'm not sure. Right now, though, I'm not nearly in an objective enough state of mind to do that. XD)

Monday, 7 July 2014

Heave the Sun - Evangelium Carnis Angelorum (2014) + Vlürch - Baroquérotique

I've finally finished this album... and I'm proud of it, even though it's not nearly as good as I'd wanted it to turn out. Anyway, here it is, and it's mostly some sort of industrial black metal/drone/dark ambient/whatever stuff.

Listen on Youtube, click the song titles:
01. The Baptismal Gallows
02. The Angel of the Lord of the Flies
03. Laparotomic Voyage Simulator
04. The Black Ulcer Blossoms
05. Rat King

Download from Mediafire: click <-320 kbps
Download from Bandcamp: click

Here's the album art thing:


~

Aand I also did some neoclassical stuff, or at least tried. I decided to call that song "Baroquérotique", since that's an awesome blend and it has apparently not been used as a song title before... I'm pretty sure I'll do more, so that's why it's "part 1" and "demo".

Listen on Youtube: click

Or on Bandcamp, where you can download it for free from (but the player thing sucks sideways assballs, so I recommend listening it on Youtube): click.

Wednesday, 25 June 2014

Vlürch - ...but what is art? (2014)

I've finished a new album, which is all improvised stuff on acoustic guitar. Kind of like some sort of hipster jazz, but not really seriously. It's a little bit dissonant at parts and almost everything is out of tune, so if you're not into that, you might experience intense bowel movements, nausea, headaches, urges to rape children and burn churches. So, if you're not a total hipster, please, for the safety of others and yourself, don't listen.

I uploaded the whole album on Youtube, click this.
Download for free from Bandcamp, click here.

01. The concept of fine art is bullshit, but not all pictures of shitting bulls are art
02. Art is good for children, but are children good for art?
03. If life imitates art and life's a bitch, doesn't that mean that art is a bitch?
04. True art is a representation of an artist's subconscious desire for asexual reproduction
05. Now, what do you say to strangers who give you art?



Wednesday, 11 June 2014

Heave the Sun - Laparotomic Voyage Simulator + how to do static lol + some shitty bird

I made some ambient again, and it turned out a little like some sort of ambient jazz or something. Click here to listen on Youtube, and download from Bandcamp. I'm pretty proud of it, even though it's kinda lame and really calm and stuff; I've already added some guitar stuff to it at a few parts and have plans, but I'm not sure if I can make it any better without changing too many things for it to be the same song. And here's an artwork thingy.


Yes, that's a butterfly with a dick and a pineapple with a vagina. No reason to be confused.

Also, I made a tutorial video of how to make a rain sound and the type of static that old recordings sometimes have. Is it useful? Probably not, but I thought it was the best way to demonstrate why I'm falling in love with the VST called Anenome, which I also used for that warm, fuzzy synth in "Laparotomic Voyage Simulator". :P



I also made a video of doing a shitty-looking bird in Photoshop, because I was bored. It looks like total shit, so don't tell me that I suck at art; I know I do, but if I put effort into it, I can do some okay-looking stuff (at least in terms of photomanipulation and such, and digital painting/whatever if I'm not rushing it, but I always rush it because I get bored and lazy).



Anyway, the music in that latter video is something I'm pretty satisfied with, apart from the string pad thing being way too loud (I've already fixed that and made the song a little bit longer), and am gonna keep working on that song. I hope it'll end up turning out cool, but it probably won't. Doesn't matter, though, because things have been nice lately and my life is so much better than I'd deserve, I'm happier than in a long, long time. :D

Sunday, 25 May 2014

I made a piano song

Like the title of this post indicates, I've finally succeeded in what I've wanted to do for a while; a sorta vaguely somewhat classicalish thing. It's not exactly at all like classical, but it's not all over the place all the time and it's just piano stuff, so maybe a little tiny bit kinda distantly classicalish.

Listen on Youtube
Or Tumblr

I called it "Spiral", because... well, I think it's fitting.

The main repetitive part of the song is just Hungarian minor and Ukrainian dorian scales from A with some parts that I didn't care about anything like that, because I generally don't care about scales or shit. Anyway, I'm proud of how it turned out, and my dad didn't hate it, so that's also a thing.

Oh, and don't complain if your hyperposh Western classical music ears find it not very comfortable at parts. It has a couple of pseudo-dissonant moments.

Thursday, 3 April 2014

Deformed Elephant Surgery - Anecdotal Equine Ballistics (2014)

I've finished a new EP! It's pretty short, but I've been kinda busy with other things, so whatever.

01. Accidental Equine Transvection
02. Equilibration of the Crystallized Spirits
03. Intersex Lotus Juxtaposition
04. Transfigurative Iridescent Desiccation
Click the song names to listen on Youtube.

Download for free from Bandcamp, clicky-clicky-click. I also included instrumental versions of all the songs.

Thursday, 13 February 2014

Um, bronies + pink unicorns + new DES song

Sometimes, people think I'm a brony. I mean, I get it; I like colourful unicorns and rainbows, I like the emoticon :3, I come across as immature sometimes, some of my music appeals to bronies, I like anything that would make any late scene kid scream "KAWAIIIII~" from the bottom of their lungs, I often like bronies and bronettes, etc... but I don't like My Little Pony.

And yes, I've tried to get into MLP, but I just can't bring myself to watch even one episode without facepalming my palms sweatier than Eminem after hearing that MGK thinks his daughter is hot. Does that mean I hate it and every brony/bronette in existence? Fuck no.

So, if you're a brony/bronette, don't hate me, because I probably think you're one pretty cool ass awesome person.

Oh, and I know the female equivalent of a brony is actually "pegasister", but that's too much like Peg-A-Sister, which sounds like an incestuous version of Whack-A-Mole... a game where any number of female participants stand on one side of a wall with a gloryhole for each, the single male participant on the other side given freedom to insert his penis into these holes to engage in penetrative sex with the corresponding female participants, but he has to choose one. There's a timer that runs down from a number of minutes equal to the amount of female participants. If he's fucking his sister when the timer runs out, he wins and the prize is to have one of his testicles surgically removed and a literal slap on the wrist. If, on the other hand, he's fucking anybody but his sister when the timer runs out, his dick and balls will be stuffed through a meatgrinder and the word "rapist" tattooed on his forehead. His sister will then win 100 000€ in compensation for physical and emotional suffering, and each of the other participants will receive therapy/counselling because it probably hurts to have sex with a guy who thinks he's fucking his own sister.

...and now that that's off the way, moving on to another subject. I present to you, a pink unicorn with cheesy glitter nipples being molested by tentacles! (Click it for full size.)


Ignore the fact that there's no tail, I forgot and got lazy... but you'll get plenty of that in just a moment, so don't get on my ass about it or anything. This is probably one of the best art-things I've ever done, so I'm really proud. I don't know if I should be, but I am.

I also posted it on Tumblr. In case it's not painfully obvious what my url is, it's vlyrch.tumblr.com because I'm imaginative like that. That was sarcasm, by the way, if someone's deaf/blind to that. I can't come up with names for things easily, and so I usually go with the most obvious, lame and boring thing ever. That applies to lyrics and song titles, album titles, etc. even more than anything else, so yeah... creativity and stuff comes naturally, but organisation... eh... not so much.

...and since it's one of my great dreams in life to find a horse and strap a dildo on its head... creating the first real-life specimen of a whole new subspecies of unicorn to-be-labelled equus unicornis phallicus... and set up cameras to record the owner's reaction, make a song with samples from his/her noises, then get someone to edit the video to be awesome with flashy effects and shit as a music video... but my balls aren't nearly big enough to do that, so I have to settle for something less dramatic and epic. A lot less dramatic. Even less epic.

It's yet another pink unicorn, only this one is... well... the most blatantly Freudian incarnation of unicorn symbolism? (Again, click to make it bigger.)


As you can see, I spent way too much time on making the penis detailed. Is that a bad thing? Does it make me a pervert? Well, let me tell you: it doesn't. Because, I mean, if I was a pervert, I'd do something kinky with a phallic unicorn. But I wouldn't, so I can't be a pervert. Not that kinda pervert, at least. Like, what kind of a sick fuck would dare touch that glorious cock? What. Did that sound as gay as I think it did? Doesn't matter. I'm not gay for unicorns, or mostly gay in general, unless we're talking about a certain guy. Or a bunch of guys, really. But I'm mostly straight, so...

...

And last night (or... whenever the fuck that was), I was just minding my own business, doing nothing, really, when I suddenly noticed that there had been two more "likes" on Facebook... and now, it just blows my mind. THERE ARE SIX HUNDRED PEOPLE WHO LIKE MY MUSIC. WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL SHIT?!?!!?

THANKS, EVERYONE, FOR SUPPORTING ME!!!

Sadly, I literally haven't finished even one song since "Rushed Light Onset" yet, apart from this one and a shitty goregrind thing... oh well. I tried to make this a little more "structural" than most stuff I've done, but I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Either way, here's "Accidental Equine Transvection", which ended up sounding pretty cool in my own humble(?) opinion:



EDIT, 23rd of April:
Included the new version of the song, which you can download from Bandcamp for free: click here, along with the EP that it's on, "Anecdotal Equine Ballistics".

Wednesday, 12 February 2014

The Rescue of the Prince from the Dragon's Cave (short story)

DISCLAIMER: This isn't serious. At all. So don't try to tell me that I suck at writing or that my sense of humour sucks. I just wanted to write something intentionally ridiculously stupid.

The knight rode into the dragon's cave with his blazing lance pointed straight forward to impale this bloodthirsty devilish lizard, but as soon as he entered, the powerful tail knocked him off the saddle and slammed him against the wall.

”Fear me, you monster!”, he roared with a mighty rough voice as he lifted his weapon high. ”I shall masturbate thee!”

The dragon laughed. ”You? Masturbate me?! No, you have it all wrong, you pitiful little knight, for it is you who will be masturbated tonight!”

”No!”, the knight yelled, running around to strike his blade deep into the beast's flesh from behind, preparing to masturbate him. With one fierce tug, he wrapped the monster's penis around his chest and squeezed so hard that a bit of blood bursted out from the tip. ”Feel my masturbation!”, he let out a majestic shout.

With the man's arms firmly sliding across the organ repeatedly, the lizard felt his strength diminish by the minute. ”Please, stop! No more, I beg you! Stop, noble knight, this is not your job! I'm not really the dragon who kidnapped the prince! Please listen to me! I am the prince!” And then, the terrifying abomination turned into a handsome man, his eyes sparkling with authority. His passion was ignited, and so he grasped the knight's crotch and pulled at his scrotum. ”Let me penetrate you now that you have rescued me, just like my father commanded!”

”Your father wants you to have sex with me?”, the knight gasped in wonder.

”No! He does not approve of our love, but I am willing to go against his will if you are with me!”

”Yes!”, he shouted from the bottom of his lungs, pulled down his pants and revealed his anus for the royal baton that was still the massive size of a dragon's. ”Fuck my ass!” He fucked his ass for hours and hours, long into the night, and they had so many orgasms that they could feed all the starving children in Africa for thousands of years. Then they got married and lived happily ever after.

~

...don't say I didn't warn you about it being stupid. Oh, and it's not supposed to be interpreted as homophobic. Like, what the hell? How could you even think about that?! It's fucking sex between two loving men. Anyone seeing that as homophobic needs to have their politics checked out.

Monday, 27 January 2014

Film review: Pretty Dead (2013), Contracted (2013) & Thanatomorphose (2012)

Alright, in this post, I'll review three recent movies with pretty much the exact same theme; zombification of attractive women. I have no idea what started this whole "trend", but I'd bet it has something to do with wanting to see how blurred the line of what is and what isn't necrophilia can get. After all, the whole "it's not really necrophilia if you jizz on a corpse's face"-thing is getting old, zombies are in again, and there's a whole new sexual revolution going on; so what's a better way to show that you get the shit than a film with no other purpose than to squish the lines together until it's one disturbing mess of guts, periods and tits? Since I watched these three in row, the order I watched them in is the same order I'll review them in.

Pretty Dead

...although that first paragraph probably suggests that every single one of these is borderline necrophilic, that's not true for this one. It's the least sexual horror film I've seen in a pretty long time, and it's practically PG-13. Then again, you know, it's not actually horror (unless you count the last... what? Ten minutes?), but whatever.

Everyone seems to be hating the shit out of this film, and I don't personally see why. Yes, it's slow, it's confusing at times and it has a lot of things that don't seem at all connected unless you're paying attention. Yes, the camera is shaky and the acting is far from perfect, the music gets annoying and its advertising is all really blowing shit out of proportion; no, it's not a fucking masterpiece. It won't change the whole genre of zombie films or anything like that. There'll be a lot of spoilers in this review, so if you haven't watched it, don't get mad at me for that.

Anyway, I was surprised in a positive way. I pretty much had no expectations at all when I started watching this, apart from the fact that it seemed to be about a girl getting sick somehow. The cool thing about having no expectations (quality-wise or plot-wise) is that then you're much less likely to be disappointed, and I don't enjoy being disappointed, so whee.

Right in the beginning, it was obvious (before that doctor guy said anything) that she apparently has Cotard's syndrome... but then, it turns out it's not that and she's got some stupid fungus shit inside her. From the point where it was clear that it really is a fungus, that there's really a physical thing wrong with her, I have to confess, I had a bit of a "meh"-reaction. I mean, why does no one ever go ahead and make a fucking film about someone struggling with Cotard's? It's like the holy grail of psychological horror, so naturally everyone wants to throw a reference or two at the condition (especially after there was that girl in Hannibal with it), but it's never just Cotard's. Well, usually it's nothing more than a quick, vaguely Cotardite fling, really.

The whole Cordyceps thing made little sense as well, plot-wise at least. Did they just want to cram two cool-sounding fucked up things that start with C together and call it a zombie? Like, yeah, it's a cool idea, but I feel like it just wasn't made justice with the "correct" proportions. If there had been more physical changes to her and she'd been in denial about the issues she was having, then that would've been much better, but maybe that's just my opinion. After all, subtlety can be a good thing.

Still... I think a lot of people didn't enjoy this film because they don't know that Cotard's syndrome is a real mental disorder and Cordyceps is a real fungus. It's like with "The Bay", another great found footage horror movie that dealt with a sort of pseudo-zombie infection, reviews complained about how it was unrealistic for there to be a parasite like that. So, I suppose if the "barely any visible changes and very little actual mental instability"-formula is considered extremely fucking unrealistic, something more spectacular (and in a way, more realistic) would be outright ridiculous.

Like I already mentioned, the advertising seems way off. This isn't a horror film, and if you start watching this with the mindset that it is, no. No. Stop right there, eat some bacon and chill until you're ready to watch a romance drama with bits of unintentional comedy. Then you're ready to sit through this. It's not romance, but it is drama and it has a lot of relationship shit, and the acting at some of the "this is serious shit" moments is just beyond hilarious because of how bad it is. I'd like to point out the doctor guy especially; the way he's calmly emphasising shit, it's just... well, I don't know why it's so funny, but it just is, and I know real doctors are like that, but seriously. Some minimal exaggeration would've sit right down on it and it would've had a dramatic effect, but I couldn't shake the Dr.-Phil-"you-have-a-problem"-style-impression.

Anyway, I'm picking nuts (?) here, and should conclude this review with something that's actually relevant: the ending was awesome. I won't spoil that for anyone, even though I suppose I already have, in a way... just the whole change in tone, it was pretty well done. Not as effective as the tone-shifts in, for example, "Megan is Missing" or "Chronicle" (funnily enough, both of those are "found footage" as well... nothing in common with this, though, but you get the point), but still. The creeping suddenness of the shit-almost-hits-the-fan is what prompts me to give this 50/100. It's far from great, but it has some interesting stuff in it, and if you're into this type of films, you'll probably enjoy it. Just don't expect too much.

OH, and before I forget, I laughed so hard at that morgue scene. Yeah. To quote everyone on Tumblr, I can't even fucking breathe. THE GUY WAS GONNA CUT HER OPEN WHEN SHE STILL HAD HER CLOTHES ON!??!!?!? LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK THAT IS NOT HOW YOU DO AN AUTOPSY ARE YOU A FUCKING COROPRUDER WHO CAN'T LOOK AT A WOMAN'S BREASTS WITHOUT WANTING TO THINK OF IT AS FUCKING PORN EVEN IF SHE'S DEAD?!?!?!? LIKE YEAH SHE WAS HOT AND DON'T GET ON MY ASS ABOUT SAYING THAT BUT SHE WAS LIKE IN THE MORGUE AND YOU'D THINK A CORONER WOULD KNOW THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO TAKE THE CLOTHES OFF BEFORE YOU MAKE AN INCISION LIKE WHAT THE HELL!??!?!?!

*cough*

...no, I'm not saying this because it would've been "sexy" for there to be nudity in the film.* I'm saying it because there would've been so many ways around this hilariously unbelievably bad mistake; he most probably wouldn't have started cutting her open yet anyway, so why wasn't he gonna... wait. Why was he even doing an autopsy? Wasn't it pretty obvious she shot herself in the head? Oh well, illogical things in films aren't anything new, haha.

*Not that I'd think dead bodies are sexy. OR DO I!?!?!?!?!? It's a mystery for life! No, but seriously... people who associate all nudity with sex are hilariously idiotic.

Contracted

With only a bathroom break in between of "Pretty Dead" and this, my expectations were somewhat mixed; I knew this was similar, although again, I had no idea it'd end up in the protagonist becoming a zombie until the point it became obvious. I found that kinda funny, especially since my decision to watch "Thanatomorphose" was knowing that it's about that... so it was a half-expectable coincidence that the other two were as well, because I'd looked for "body horror" films. Obviously, a lot are about diseases, and the only disease in modern horror seems to be a zombie infection of one type or another...

Anyway. I have to say, from the start, I was expecting something bigger. I mean, what was the point of that whole corpse-fucking beginning? It had nothing to do with the rest of the film, as far as I could tell, unless it was meant to imply the origin of the zombie STD, but that doesn't really make sense unless it was the BJ guy in the morgue. But whatever, if a guy introduces himself as "BJ", isn't that like screaming "I'm a rapist!" and shit?

I don't really know what to say about this, other than that I feel like there was a lot of pointless going around in the same places over and over again, but that's how life is, so... it was realistic in that aspect, at least. Repetition, repetition and repetition that gets increasingly bloodier so gradually it's quite smooth.

And I liked the red eye(s), the whole "let's go to a doctor first"-thing, and pretty much everything, apart from the annoying mum. Then again, she was clearly not meant to be likeable, so that's a good thing. 70/100.

But yeah, like I said, I expected it to have a lot more stuff to it. You know, variety, but it does actually have a great deal of that, at least when compared to the one last hot-girl-becomes-a-zombie-and-has-all-her-periods-at-once-film I sat down to watch...

Thanatomorphose

Now, this one. All my expectations shattered in the first fifteen minutes... and I'm sure yours did/would/will as well, because really, the acting is some of the worst ever, there's no trace of plot, both the guy and the girl seem annoying as all hell, but then... then something happens. Shit hits the fan, and although it happens at a pace that's slower than an obese snail going uphill, it hits hard. Before you know it, there's shit flying all over the place and the ceiling looks more and more like someone's genitals. Seriously. I don't know if that was supposed to be some symbolism about... something... or if it was just a way to demonstrate the time as it went on, but it added to that damp, clammy dread that's splattered on literally everything that's in this film.





Again, this one isn't really horror either, and truthfully, I don't think it tries to be; whereas "Pretty Dead" struggled to be shocking and "Contracted" just happened to be sad and disgusting, this one... I don't really know how to describe it, and I don't think anyone else does either. Not in a way that'd do it justice, at least, or properly contain the sheer filthiness. You'll just have to grow some balls and watch it yourself in order to understand.

...and when I say "grow some balls", it's because your balls will start to fucking tingle at the weirdest moments in ways you didn't know possible... well, at least mine did. It felt like they were trying to dig their way as deep inside my body as is physically possible. I'm not saying this is one of those "sex is bad, and you'll never think of it again if you watch this"-types of films, but it's damn close. Especially the ending. For dear fuck, the motherfucking ending.

You know how I said "Pretty Dead" has an ending that's a messy twist? Scratch that, this one takes the cake and eats it once it's decades past its due date. I bet you'll be looking away as a natural human instinct at some parts. That's how slow, harrowing and goddamn depressing it gets. I won't spoil anything specific, but if you're anything like me, you'll get all these numb shivers on your face at one particular scene.

The only downside to this, apart from the awfully shitty beginning, is the realism with a few exceptions. You see, the putrefaction and decomposition are realistic as fuck in this one, unless I've totally misunderstood how death works... but there are a few painfully obvious (although stylistic) mistakes. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Well, fuck if I know, but when we're talking about flies and maggots, the flies come first. Then the maggots, from the eggs that said flies lay, and another thing is that we never see any flies. Not even one. Their sound is heard, though... by the last couple of "stages", there should be loads and loads of them! Oh, and her vocal cords seem to be perfectly functional until she's nothing but a skeleton...

...but I'm picking nuts again. That, and the incredibly exaggerated very last bit, it's the closest to a "plausible zombie" that I've seen in any film. And she doesn't bloat, her face remains pristine until way into the whole deal, blah blah, but still, there's that "sense of realism" to it, even if... a lot of it, actually... isn't realistic. I'm not sure how else to put it. AND THAT CRAWL. To quote everyone who's ever been on Tumblr, again, NOPENOPNOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENPEONOENOPENOPE NOPE. nope.









nope









Overall, though, it's amazing, visually and because the atmosphere is some of the most claustrophobic, chaotic and jarring I've ever come across in any film. There's just so much detail crammed into every little twitch, it's ridiculous. The only thing that keeps it from being practically unbearable is the tendency for there to be loud moments of frustration. Those are the relieving parts, even though in most those would be the despair-emphasis-parts, and I think that says something about just how fucked up this film is.

The plot is obviously not the most original, even though it might be the first film of this type (as far as I know?), but it has so much tension that it just doesn't matter that there's very little actual plot and the only character development is pretty much annihilation.

All things considered, I'll give it 85/100. Yes, it's amazing, if "amazing" means "I'll never [insert verb] again". Go watch it, or if you're feeling like it, watch all these three totally unrelated but similar movies one after another like I did.

Funny how I watched them in that order; if I'd watched them in any other order, I would've been left with a bunch of disappointed rants to post. So, yay!

Monday, 13 January 2014

Film review: Hollow (2011)

I don't do film reviews, which is probably pretty obvious from how shitty this will be; but I don't have to worry about that, since no matter how shitty this review, it won't be shittier than the film that I'm reviewing. The reason I don't review films is that they'd be divided in either A) "holy shit this is amazing!" - half of the films I watch, and B) "I'd rather have explosive diarrhoea for the duration of this pile of shit". This one fills that porcelain bowl tighter than it would if it was tailor-made.

So, why am I wasting my time writing a review? Well, it's simple, really. This film got me thinking, which happens quite often, but let's be honest: when's the last time anyone watched a film that really got them thinking about something? And if you're thinking that it got me thinking about ways to shit all over it, you win the prize for "unnecessary thoughts of the post". Besides the shitload of insults at this hollow piece of shit, I started thinking about that tree.

Yes, it's a film about a tree. How boring does that sound? Nope, think harder. It's not that boring, it outbores all your conceptions of boredom. However, despite the fact that the plot is more predictable than the plot of a film you've watched ten times, it still managed to confuse me in ways I didn't know I could be confused. Mainly because there were so many unrelated little things that simply dragged on and on, trying to make the film interesting and failing in ways sadder than suicide.

But even that isn't what it really got me thinking. At the core of my thoughts right now is this: does that tree actually exist, or was it built from pieces of chopped up trees or something? Because it was one damn cool-looking tree, and I love cool-looking trees, so I'm hoping it's a real tree just for the sake of it being out there, outcooling the vast majority of trees. If not, and it was created for the purpose of this film, then props to whoever came up with the look and did the work.

Anyhow, besides that, there weren't many good things about this. Actually, only one: Matt Stokoe is in it. You know, the guy who played that handsome barman Alex in "Misfits". And he strips and dances around naked (although he covers his dick), so if you're into that, then that's one reason why you may want to hang in there and sit through this... and now that I think about it, there was another thing I liked about this, even though it wasn't scary in the slightest, which is what I assume it was meant to be; the screams when they were in that one place, whatever that place actually was. (Was it the same place where that fat men dancing discussion scene in "Glorious 39" was filmed?)

I suppose the reason I didn't find the screams creepy is that they sounded a lot like Craig from "Creep", and as everyone who's watched the film knows, nobody can outcreep Craig when it comes to creepy screams. Well, they weren't all that similar, but enough for me to make that association in my mind. Like, what I'm trying to say is that it sounded like fucked up black metal screams. Fucked up black metal screams are awesome, but not when they're meaningless and only there to drive attention away from the shitty production. Yes, I'm referring both to this film and black metal music.

So, like I do with album reviews, I'll throw up a score that's ridiculously unfair: 15/100. Whether it's unfairly low or high depends on how you look at it: it's low if you consider the film for what it is and nothing else, but high if you compare it to literally anything else at all. Usually, I can empty my mind of comparisons like that, but I couldn't watching this film, because it was just that boring. The acting may have been good, there were some cool things here and there, but it was way too long and all the unnecessary things were, well, unnecessary. I mean, what was the point of that priest denying the suicides happening? To seem suspicious, to suggest a conspiracy? If so, that should've been made clear later on, but it was left like nothing but a leaf in the wind. Had all the tiny plotless dots been drawn together in the end, this would have actually been a pretty good film!

And there might be one use for this film, even considering all the flaws, that I'm never gonna be trying out myself because I don't drink, but watching it when you're having a hangover; the shaky camera, the pointless running around and short moment of male nudity might be motivational in that situation.
 
EDIT: The tree in the film seems to be the Bowthorpe Oak in Bourne. Compare this, which is the tree in "Hollow" (from a review site) and this photo, taken by some guy of the Bowthorpe Oak. BEHOLD MY SKILLS, MOTHERFUCKERS! What. I don't get to boast a little bit, spending a while going through a list of trees that are deemed important enough for inclusion on Wikipedia's list of cool trees, going through shitloads of photos of all the oaks on Google and comparing them with the screencap from the film? And you thought I don't have a life! Wait, what? This enforces that impression? Fuck me with a twig.