Saturday, 5 July 2014

Wikipedia's grey hole, episode III: Revenge of the Physcis (All Hail Stephen Hawking!)

Mkay. I'm sure we all (who that refers to, you decide) thought that this whole saga was over. In a way, it was buried already over a year ago and everyone was happy, there was peace in all the galaxies and blah, blah, blah. It's time for a plot twist of cosmic proportions: Stephen Hawking brought up grey holes. But that's not all! If it was, why would I be posting about it? There are dozens of news sites out there, all much more interesting than my ramblings.

The plot twist thickens because of a very bizarre revelation: grey holes are, in fact, all around us. I finally understood how that mysterious psychonautic time-traveller Sofie Laso discovered grey holes at the age of fifteen. And how's that? Anyone? No one? Wait for it...

...it turns out that, after all, she was referring to the netherworldly portion that no man ever wishes to speak of, yet are inexplicably drawn to it from an early age as if some collective reincarnation of Freud himself... the sepulchral clam, the Mariana Trench of Sperm, the fearsome teethed orifice... a vagina.

Now, hold your shit. Don't bunk on me about how I'm being sexist; I'm not. I'm not talking about an ordinary vagina. It's not the type of a vagina you see when you go out for a walk in the park, nor the type that you'd discover if you beat around the bush for long enough. No, this is an entirely different breed of a vagina... it's the porn star vagina.

See, fifteen is a pretty common age when people start watching porn if they do. Every single person, pretty much, at least checks out some porn for the sake of knowing if it's something they're into. What, for most people, either induces arousal or disgust, triggered deep physcical ponderings in young Sofie's mind. She began to analyse the patterns, the fluctations, the throbbings, the drippings...

Finally, she came to the conclusion that these are not black holes as they are commonly called, nor are they white holes even though semen tends to be white or whitish in colour. They are, in fact, grey holes, because they first suck in the light fluid and then propel it out if such an action is to be timely. Just like the grey holes that every kid with an interest in physics has always fantasised about!

But this is where it gets interesting. Stephen Hawking is a pretty badass dude. I look up to him more than I look up to pretty much anyone, and to know that he has a thing for grey holes (no relation to the pornographic netherlands intended) is like... I don't know what to compare it to. It gives me this warm, fuzzy feeling inside, like there's a little time genie within Mr. Hawking's glorious brain.

You know, how the subject of grey holes is slowly changing from "roflmao grey holes, crawl back in your mum's grey hole" to "grey holes... :3". His grey holiness will do a lot to that this year, continuously spreading the grey hole wider and wider until... wait, are you still thinking about porn stars' vaginas? Stop. Forget vaginas. This isn't a post about vaginas. It's about grey holes, as in the things that are out there in space, whether they're the new name for black holes or ones that are like the pendulum wet dream.

I mean, I know a lot of people think Hawking's a doucheplower or something, but why would he be a docheplower? He's awesome. He seems cool, judging by his public things; of course no one knows what he's like in private (besides those who know him), but why would anyone assume he's a doucheplower? He's awesome. Period.

...you didn't just think what I think you just thought, did you? Oh, bloody hell! That's just not even fa-... ...funny.

So, back to the subject at hand. I've ridiculed the idea of grey holes, and I'm not even a physicist or anything, so obviously it's a big deal that Hawking's getting holy over the greys, but I don't think that's all there is to it. I mean, if he's saying that all holes are grey, which is what it seems like, maybe the next time you stick your dick in a gloryhole, it won't come back. Then, millenia after you're dead, it'll scatter on the floor in the tiniest little pieces possible.

.___.

And why was this post called "revenge of the physcis"? Simple: Sofie was probably a time traveller who knew of the forecoming split of physics into physics and physcis, the latter of which is what physicists labelled the obsolete belief that black holes and white holes do in fact exist as absolutes. So, while she knew that physics would move on, she couldn't shake her belief system that the world is ultimately black and white even if there's a whole lot of grey, as evident from the original grey hole page on Wikipedia...

...oh, wait. One last point. I have new faith in holes. The holy suction is restored. The propulsion is growing. That's my way of saying that maybe I'm a brainless sheep, but holy fuck, Hawking's the boss and will always be. If you argue with that, crawl back in your mum's grey hole. :D

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