Sunday, 19 October 2014

Film review: Extraterrestrial (2014)

I'm 97% sure the sole reason this film was made is to take a shit on every scifi and/or horror film ever made. I mean, they could've called it "the most predictable film ever made", but of course that wouldn't have attracted nearly as much audience. It started out good, got interesting, built up tension like a motherfucker, but then it just goes downhill; then even further downhill; then it bores itself into the core of the earth; but wait! After that, it still bores itself further downhill until there's literally no way to sink any lower.

But hey, it had some good actors and the acting itself was alright, even though the script could've been written by a five-year-old. The effects were all awesome, too, both visually and all the sound design was up to par with every other scifi horror film of this decade. The problem with that, as with "Dark Skies" and some other films that I can't remember right now, is that the aliens look like plastic dicks with a pair of arms and legs attached to them. Had the aliens looked cool, that could've saved this from being as laughable as it was, but because they literally looked like what the result of a stickman and a dildo having kids would look like, I just couldn't help but laugh every time one of them was bouncing about...

Another good thing about this was the music. I got so excited during the opening credits that I beat my legs to shit to that song. The mechnical-sounding clicky ambient sounds and shit gave a nice and creepy atmosphere, not to mention the Inceptionesque DOOOOOOM BRRRRRRM BWWWWWWWWCZZZH that accompanied the menacing ass red lights straight out of Satan's nightclub.

...but yeah, none of that makes up for the shitty cliche-as-fuck story and ending that might as well have had that "trolololol" song in the background. In fact, that would've actually made it hilarious, since it would be obvious that the filmmakers just wanted to let you know that you just wasted an hour and a half of your life on this while you could've been watching something else. Now, it just left the feeling that that literally had to be their intention, but it just doesn't feel complete. It's not a full-blown clever troll ending, it's a half-assed attempt at one while also leaving the possibility for the handful of twelve-year-old Star Wars fans who get mad boners over the upcoming trilogy to take it seriously enough to not complain about it to their parents.

Anyway, all that said: the first three quarters were entertaining, (unintentionally?) funny and the anal probe scene near the end made me laugh much harder than it should have. Still, when you can literally tell 90% of a film's lines before they're said, it's not something to write home about. Unless you're E.T, in which case you'd be too busy fingering little boys to care.

What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that if this was an episode of Doctor Who and it was cut down to that length (among other changes, like including the Doctor) or X-Files or something, it would've been pretty cool. In that case, I'd give it 60/100. But as a film rather an episode of a series trying to give its fandom a handjob through a gloryhole without actually having to interact with the fandom... well... I mean, this might sound a bit harsh, but I'm gonna have to settle with 30/100. There are so many things that could've bumped that score up to 50 or even 70, but those things just weren't there.

And a sexist pig remark to end this review, Melanie Papalia was as hot and gorgeous as ever.

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