Vlürch - ...but what is art? (2014)

I've finished a new album, which is all improvised stuff on acoustic guitar. Kind of like some sort of hipster jazz, but not really seriously. It's a little bit dissonant at parts and almost everything is out of tune, so if you're not into that, you might experience intense bowel movements, nausea, headaches, urges to rape children and burn churches. So, if you're not a total hipster, please, for the safety of others and yourself, don't listen.

I uploaded the whole album on Youtube, click this.
Download for free from Bandcamp, click here.

01. The concept of fine art is bullshit, but not all pictures of shitting bulls are art
02. Art is good for children, but are children good for art?
03. If life imitates art and life's a bitch, doesn't that mean that art is a bitch?
04. True art is a representation of an artist's subconscious desire for asexual reproduction
05. Now, what do you say to strangers who give you art?

Um, bronies + pink unicorns + new DES song

Sometimes, people think I'm a brony. I mean, I get it; I like colourful unicorns and rainbows, I like the emoticon :3, I come across as immature sometimes, some of my music appeals to bronies, I like anything that would make any late scene kid scream "KAWAIIIII~" from the bottom of their lungs, I often like bronies and bronettes, etc... but I don't like My Little Pony.

And yes, I've tried to get into MLP, but I just can't bring myself to watch even one episode without facepalming my palms sweatier than Eminem after hearing that MGK thinks his daughter is hot. Does that mean I hate it and every brony/bronette in existence? Fuck no.

So, if you're a brony/bronette, don't hate me, because I probably think you're one pretty cool ass awesome person.

Oh, and I know the female equivalent of a brony is actually "pegasister", but that's too much like Peg-A-Sister, which sounds like an incestuous version of Whack-A-Mole... a game where any number of female participants stand on one side of a wall with a gloryhole for each, the single male participant on the other side given freedom to insert his penis into these holes to engage in penetrative sex with the corresponding female participants, but he has to choose one. There's a timer that runs down from a number of minutes equal to the amount of female participants. If he's fucking his sister when the timer runs out, he wins and the prize is to have one of his testicles surgically removed and a literal slap on the wrist. If, on the other hand, he's fucking anybody but his sister when the timer runs out, his dick and balls will be stuffed through a meatgrinder and the word "rapist" tattooed on his forehead. His sister will then win 100 000€ in compensation for physical and emotional suffering, and each of the other participants will receive therapy/counselling because it probably hurts to have sex with a guy who thinks he's fucking his own sister.

...and now that that's off the way, moving on to another subject. I present to you, a pink unicorn with cheesy glitter nipples being molested by tentacles! (Click it for full size.)

Ignore the fact that there's no tail, I forgot and got lazy... but you'll get plenty of that in just a moment, so don't get on my ass about it or anything. This is probably one of the best art-things I've ever done, so I'm really proud. I don't know if I should be, but I am.

I also posted it on Tumblr. In case it's not painfully obvious what my url is, it's vlyrch.tumblr.com because I'm imaginative like that. That was sarcasm, by the way, if someone's deaf/blind to that. I can't come up with names for things easily, and so I usually go with the most obvious, lame and boring thing ever. That applies to lyrics and song titles, album titles, etc. even more than anything else, so yeah... creativity and stuff comes naturally, but organisation... eh... not so much.

...and since it's one of my great dreams in life to find a horse and strap a dildo on its head... creating the first real-life specimen of a whole new subspecies of unicorn to-be-labelled equus unicornis phallicus... and set up cameras to record the owner's reaction, make a song with samples from his/her noises, then get someone to edit the video to be awesome with flashy effects and shit as a music video... but my balls aren't nearly big enough to do that, so I have to settle for something less dramatic and epic. A lot less dramatic. Even less epic.

It's yet another pink unicorn, only this one is... well... the most blatantly Freudian incarnation of unicorn symbolism? (Again, click to make it bigger.)

As you can see, I spent way too much time on making the penis detailed. Is that a bad thing? Does it make me a pervert? Well, let me tell you: it doesn't. Because, I mean, if I was a pervert, I'd do something kinky with a phallic unicorn. But I wouldn't, so I can't be a pervert. Not that kinda pervert, at least. Like, what kind of a sick fuck would dare touch that glorious cock? What. Did that sound as gay as I think it did? Doesn't matter. I'm not gay for unicorns, or mostly gay in general, unless we're talking about a certain guy. Or a bunch of guys, really. But I'm mostly straight, so...

...

And last night (or... whenever the fuck that was), I was just minding my own business, doing nothing, really, when I suddenly noticed that there had been two more "likes" on Facebook... and now, it just blows my mind. THERE ARE SIX HUNDRED PEOPLE WHO LIKE MY MUSIC. WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL SHIT?!?!!?

THANKS, EVERYONE, FOR SUPPORTING ME!!!

Sadly, I literally haven't finished even one song since "Rushed Light Onset" yet, apart from this one and a shitty goregrind thing... oh well. I tried to make this a little more "structural" than most stuff I've done, but I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Either way, here's "Accidental Equine Transvection", which ended up sounding pretty cool in my own humble(?) opinion:



EDIT, 23rd of April:
Included the new version of the song, which you can download from Bandcamp for free: click here, along with the EP that it's on, "Anecdotal Equine Ballistics".

The Rescue of the Prince from the Dragon's Cave (short story)

DISCLAIMER: This isn't serious. At all. So don't try to tell me that I suck at writing or that my sense of humour sucks. I just wanted to write something intentionally ridiculously stupid.

The knight rode into the dragon's cave with his blazing lance pointed straight forward to impale this bloodthirsty devilish lizard, but as soon as he entered, the powerful tail knocked him off the saddle and slammed him against the wall.

”Fear me, you monster!”, he roared with a mighty rough voice as he lifted his weapon high. ”I shall masturbate thee!”

The dragon laughed. ”You? Masturbate me?! No, you have it all wrong, you pitiful little knight, for it is you who will be masturbated tonight!”

”No!”, the knight yelled, running around to strike his blade deep into the beast's flesh from behind, preparing to masturbate him. With one fierce tug, he wrapped the monster's penis around his chest and squeezed so hard that a bit of blood bursted out from the tip. ”Feel my masturbation!”, he let out a majestic shout.

With the man's arms firmly sliding across the organ repeatedly, the lizard felt his strength diminish by the minute. ”Please, stop! No more, I beg you! Stop, noble knight, this is not your job! I'm not really the dragon who kidnapped the prince! Please listen to me! I am the prince!” And then, the terrifying abomination turned into a handsome man, his eyes sparkling with authority. His passion was ignited, and so he grasped the knight's crotch and pulled at his scrotum. ”Let me penetrate you now that you have rescued me, just like my father commanded!”

”Your father wants you to have sex with me?”, the knight gasped in wonder.

”No! He does not approve of our love, but I am willing to go against his will if you are with me!”

”Yes!”, he shouted from the bottom of his lungs, pulled down his pants and revealed his anus for the royal baton that was still the massive size of a dragon's. ”Fuck my ass!” He fucked his ass for hours and hours, long into the night, and they had so many orgasms that they could feed all the starving children in Africa for thousands of years. Then they got married and lived happily ever after.

~

...don't say I didn't warn you about it being stupid. Oh, and it's not supposed to be interpreted as homophobic. Like, what the hell? How could you even think about that?! It's fucking sex between two loving men. Anyone seeing that as homophobic needs to have their politics checked out.

Lars Dreams (short story)

Today, Lars woke up with his feet aching. He'd never felt pain in his extremities before, so this was a new sensation for him, a new experience to write about. You see, Lars was a writer. Not a very good one, but one who got famous by writing about hot chicks having sex with hot guys, with quite a few of his books made into pseudo-pornographic films.

”I'm probably dying,” he grunted, looking down at his toes. All mangled and red, like he'd kicked at the bedposts. Then he realised that that was exactly what he had done, he'd dreamt of muggers in a bus. He fought hard, but not hard enough, since they took all his money.

Why did he think he was dying? Well, it's simple. Little Lars was already in his late fifties, and he'd always been the type to sustain an unhealthy diet ever since he was a kid. Today, though, was very different. His feet hurt like hell, and he'd never hurt like hell before. Only little pains, corresponding with his height and body fat.

Suddenly, a fierce grope on his stomach. This was it, he was taking his last breath. What a long and painful breath it was...

~

Lars woke up with his feet aching. He'd never felt pain in his extremities before, or anywhere else, so this was a new and exciting sensation. You see, Lars was a fetus. Not a very developed one, but one who got famous by spending ten years too long in his mother's womb. Upon birth, he surprised and baffled doctors all over the world by being alive, having dreamt of sex with hot chicks and hot guys those long years, dreamt of writing, having films made from his writings, and had a nightmare of his own death.

Now, Lars had a shot at real life. He could make those dreams come true, and he did; He became a famous writer with films made from his books, he married a beautiful woman half his age (if the years he spent in the uterus are included) and had children. Then, one day, he got mugged in the bus on the way home. He was stabbed, and later that night he died peacefully in his sleep.

What does Lars dream of now?

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...yeah, this was just a thingy that came from an idea I had, about a guy who was a lithopedion and what life as one would be like. But yeah, it's really stupid.

West Texania

Yeah.  Blah blah, West Texania, the state that shares borders with Texas and West Virginia. They're really fucking inbred and believe that George W. Bush invented dubstep. Any questions?