Um, bronies + pink unicorns + new DES song

Sometimes, people think I'm a brony. I mean, I get it; I like colourful unicorns and rainbows, I like the emoticon :3, I come across as immature sometimes, some of my music appeals to bronies, I like anything that would make any late scene kid scream "KAWAIIIII~" from the bottom of their lungs, I often like bronies and bronettes, etc... but I don't like My Little Pony.

And yes, I've tried to get into MLP, but I just can't bring myself to watch even one episode without facepalming my palms sweatier than Eminem after hearing that MGK thinks his daughter is hot. Does that mean I hate it and every brony/bronette in existence? Fuck no.

So, if you're a brony/bronette, don't hate me, because I probably think you're one pretty cool ass awesome person.

Oh, and I know the female equivalent of a brony is actually "pegasister", but that's too much like Peg-A-Sister, which sounds like an incestuous version of Whack-A-Mole... a game where any number of female participants stand on one side of a wall with a gloryhole for each, the single male participant on the other side given freedom to insert his penis into these holes to engage in penetrative sex with the corresponding female participants, but he has to choose one. There's a timer that runs down from a number of minutes equal to the amount of female participants. If he's fucking his sister when the timer runs out, he wins and the prize is to have one of his testicles surgically removed and a literal slap on the wrist. If, on the other hand, he's fucking anybody but his sister when the timer runs out, his dick and balls will be stuffed through a meatgrinder and the word "rapist" tattooed on his forehead. His sister will then win 100 000€ in compensation for physical and emotional suffering, and each of the other participants will receive therapy/counselling because it probably hurts to have sex with a guy who thinks he's fucking his own sister.

...and now that that's off the way, moving on to another subject. I present to you, a pink unicorn with cheesy glitter nipples being molested by tentacles! (Click it for full size.)

Ignore the fact that there's no tail, I forgot and got lazy... but you'll get plenty of that in just a moment, so don't get on my ass about it or anything. This is probably one of the best art-things I've ever done, so I'm really proud. I don't know if I should be, but I am.

I also posted it on Tumblr. In case it's not painfully obvious what my url is, it's vlyrch.tumblr.com because I'm imaginative like that. That was sarcasm, by the way, if someone's deaf/blind to that. I can't come up with names for things easily, and so I usually go with the most obvious, lame and boring thing ever. That applies to lyrics and song titles, album titles, etc. even more than anything else, so yeah... creativity and stuff comes naturally, but organisation... eh... not so much.

...and since it's one of my great dreams in life to find a horse and strap a dildo on its head... creating the first real-life specimen of a whole new subspecies of unicorn to-be-labelled equus unicornis phallicus... and set up cameras to record the owner's reaction, make a song with samples from his/her noises, then get someone to edit the video to be awesome with flashy effects and shit as a music video... but my balls aren't nearly big enough to do that, so I have to settle for something less dramatic and epic. A lot less dramatic. Even less epic.

It's yet another pink unicorn, only this one is... well... the most blatantly Freudian incarnation of unicorn symbolism? (Again, click to make it bigger.)

As you can see, I spent way too much time on making the penis detailed. Is that a bad thing? Does it make me a pervert? Well, let me tell you: it doesn't. Because, I mean, if I was a pervert, I'd do something kinky with a phallic unicorn. But I wouldn't, so I can't be a pervert. Not that kinda pervert, at least. Like, what kind of a sick fuck would dare touch that glorious cock? What. Did that sound as gay as I think it did? Doesn't matter. I'm not gay for unicorns, or mostly gay in general, unless we're talking about a certain guy. Or a bunch of guys, really. But I'm mostly straight, so...

...

And last night (or... whenever the fuck that was), I was just minding my own business, doing nothing, really, when I suddenly noticed that there had been two more "likes" on Facebook... and now, it just blows my mind. THERE ARE SIX HUNDRED PEOPLE WHO LIKE MY MUSIC. WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL SHIT?!?!!?

THANKS, EVERYONE, FOR SUPPORTING ME!!!

Sadly, I literally haven't finished even one song since "Rushed Light Onset" yet, apart from this one and a shitty goregrind thing... oh well. I tried to make this a little more "structural" than most stuff I've done, but I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Either way, here's "Accidental Equine Transvection", which ended up sounding pretty cool in my own humble(?) opinion:



EDIT, 23rd of April:
Included the new version of the song, which you can download from Bandcamp for free: click here, along with the EP that it's on, "Anecdotal Equine Ballistics".

The Rescue of the Prince from the Dragon's Cave (short story)

DISCLAIMER: This isn't serious. At all. So don't try to tell me that I suck at writing or that my sense of humour sucks. I just wanted to write something intentionally ridiculously stupid.

The knight rode into the dragon's cave with his blazing lance pointed straight forward to impale this bloodthirsty devilish lizard, but as soon as he entered, the powerful tail knocked him off the saddle and slammed him against the wall.

”Fear me, you monster!”, he roared with a mighty rough voice as he lifted his weapon high. ”I shall masturbate thee!”

The dragon laughed. ”You? Masturbate me?! No, you have it all wrong, you pitiful little knight, for it is you who will be masturbated tonight!”

”No!”, the knight yelled, running around to strike his blade deep into the beast's flesh from behind, preparing to masturbate him. With one fierce tug, he wrapped the monster's penis around his chest and squeezed so hard that a bit of blood bursted out from the tip. ”Feel my masturbation!”, he let out a majestic shout.

With the man's arms firmly sliding across the organ repeatedly, the lizard felt his strength diminish by the minute. ”Please, stop! No more, I beg you! Stop, noble knight, this is not your job! I'm not really the dragon who kidnapped the prince! Please listen to me! I am the prince!” And then, the terrifying abomination turned into a handsome man, his eyes sparkling with authority. His passion was ignited, and so he grasped the knight's crotch and pulled at his scrotum. ”Let me penetrate you now that you have rescued me, just like my father commanded!”

”Your father wants you to have sex with me?”, the knight gasped in wonder.

”No! He does not approve of our love, but I am willing to go against his will if you are with me!”

”Yes!”, he shouted from the bottom of his lungs, pulled down his pants and revealed his anus for the royal baton that was still the massive size of a dragon's. ”Fuck my ass!” He fucked his ass for hours and hours, long into the night, and they had so many orgasms that they could feed all the starving children in Africa for thousands of years. Then they got married and lived happily ever after.

~

...don't say I didn't warn you about it being stupid. Oh, and it's not supposed to be interpreted as homophobic. Like, what the hell? How could you even think about that?! It's fucking sex between two loving men. Anyone seeing that as homophobic needs to have their politics checked out.

Lars Dreams (short story)

Today, Lars woke up with his feet aching. He'd never felt pain in his extremities before, so this was a new sensation for him, a new experience to write about. You see, Lars was a writer. Not a very good one, but one who got famous by writing about hot chicks having sex with hot guys, with quite a few of his books made into pseudo-pornographic films.

”I'm probably dying,” he grunted, looking down at his toes. All mangled and red, like he'd kicked at the bedposts. Then he realised that that was exactly what he had done, he'd dreamt of muggers in a bus. He fought hard, but not hard enough, since they took all his money.

Why did he think he was dying? Well, it's simple. Little Lars was already in his late fifties, and he'd always been the type to sustain an unhealthy diet ever since he was a kid. Today, though, was very different. His feet hurt like hell, and he'd never hurt like hell before. Only little pains, corresponding with his height and body fat.

Suddenly, a fierce grope on his stomach. This was it, he was taking his last breath. What a long and painful breath it was...

~

Lars woke up with his feet aching. He'd never felt pain in his extremities before, or anywhere else, so this was a new and exciting sensation. You see, Lars was a fetus. Not a very developed one, but one who got famous by spending ten years too long in his mother's womb. Upon birth, he surprised and baffled doctors all over the world by being alive, having dreamt of sex with hot chicks and hot guys those long years, dreamt of writing, having films made from his writings, and had a nightmare of his own death.

Now, Lars had a shot at real life. He could make those dreams come true, and he did; He became a famous writer with films made from his books, he married a beautiful woman half his age (if the years he spent in the uterus are included) and had children. Then, one day, he got mugged in the bus on the way home. He was stabbed, and later that night he died peacefully in his sleep.

What does Lars dream of now?

-----------------------------------------------------------

...yeah, this was just a thingy that came from an idea I had, about a guy who was a lithopedion and what life as one would be like. But yeah, it's really stupid.

West Texania

Yeah.  Blah blah, West Texania, the state that shares borders with Texas and West Virginia. They're really fucking inbred and believe that George W. Bush invented dubstep. Any questions?

Lyhyt juttu kakasta / Short thing about poop

~Käpy ja Papparainen (Kakan Tarina)~

Käpy pudotti kakkakikkareen papparaisen kädelle. Pappa mietti hetken partaansa haroen, kunnes lopulta totesi että kakkahan on ruskeaa. Käpy käveli onnen kukkuloille, pudotellen runsaasti kakkaa matkan varrelle.

Tarinan opetus? Kakka on usein ruskeaa.

For those who can't understand Finnish, well, here's an English translation. It doesn't translate perfectly, since a lot of the retardness comes from the choice for words, but well:

~A Cone and an Old Man (Story of Poop)~

A cone dropped a piece of poop on an old man's hand. The old man pondered for a while, fumbling with his beard, until eventually stating that the poop is, in fact, brown. The cone walked to the hills of happiness, dropping a lot of poop on the way.

The moral of the story?  Poop is often brown.

Promo images for "Pink Unicorn's Extraordinary Adventures" + progress update announcement + Black Hole Tentacles

I couldn't sleep last night, and so I was naturally in an art-doing mood, and since the new album is almost done, I thought I'd do something like this just for fun. I'm not sure how these could be "promo" images in any way, since they're like this (not that I'd even completely understand the point of promo images even if they would be useful somehow...), but yeah, if you're into that kinda thing, print them or whatever, would be funny if some school suddenly had one of these in every door. Can you imagine that? :P I'd probably get sued, though, so don't do that, but you know, weeeeell...

 And also, the album is already almost two hours (1 hour and about 45 minutes), but I'm gonna do stuff until there's at least exactly two hours, and I'm trying to get it finished before Christmas, preferebly by the 21st of December, since, you know, supposedly the end of the world and all that, which would probably mean a lot more people would listen it. Anyway, I'm 99% sure it'll be done before the end of the year, and if not, well, that's going to suck, and would mean my creativity would get problematic again, which is already starting to happen today, so, ugh...

And well, I uploaded one new song to Youtube, "Black Hole Tentacles", which I'm really proud of and stuff.

DES album progress update thingy + Saprophytic Nymphean Masochist

The album, "Pink Unicorn's Extraordinary Adventures" is not finished yet, but it won't take long anymore. That's the album art, with an epic unicorn thingy and stuff. XD A lot of the songs are as unbrutal as can be, as in less brutal than Rebecca Black, but it's going to be the best album ever, at least the best album I've ever done (at least the best DES album), once again. Or maybe not, maybe "Ubiquitous Astrolatric Oneirotheosis" will always be the best, but well. I uploaded one of the most embarrassing songs to Youtube. There's a pretty long part with rapping that has ring modulation in it, which makes it sound like the most racist and sexist thing ever, but it's not meant to be racist or sexist or anything. It's just rapping with ring modulation in it. :P

Let the facepalm orgies ensue:

Paavo Väyrynen on kaunis + Ritual of the Pegasus

So, I didn't post about this before for some reason, probably because I forgot. It's the first song I've made with lyrics in finnish (excluding bands with other people where I wasn't the only person doing lyrics) and it's about Paavo Väyrynen, a finnish politician, and how he's supposedly beautiful and handsome, etc. which is obviously a joke. Anyway, it's pop/dance/whatever, some gay stuff like that. :P No one will ever like it, but that doesn't matter.


But yeah, I also didn't post about this new Heave the Sun track, which is named "Ritual of the Pegasus (by which the Megalith Tribes Embodied Droughts)", which is sort of like, well... something.

God pointed at me and said 'drop the bass'

...what? You think He pointed at me? No, no, He pointed at George W. Bush. And yeah, I just have to post this as a separate post and not just put it into the last one. Why? Because I think it's funny, and I'm selfish. So, without further ado,

Yep, I had to do that, just because... you know... I don't know, I'm amazed about how funny sampling Bush's centuries a few years old speeches in songs can be. Even if he hasn't been the president there for a while, and about when I started making music, that was pretty much when Obama got an erection elected. So, yes, in a way, it's super-lame to sample Bush's speeches, but I mean, he was a bit odd and funny, not really the kind of guy you'd expect to be a president, and that won't go away just because he's not in charge anymore. And in case you didn't know, this is the song, and I'm really satisfied with how it ended up being:
If only everything I did could be so epic... but for some reason, I only manage to make one or two good songs per album. Someday, I'll do a compilation of all the best songs I've done. Am I selfish today? Yes, oh yes, I'm so selfish that I'm typing like a homosexual closet sadomasochist. (No offence to homosexual closet sadomasochists intended).

And I think it'd finally be a good time to post this thing I did last year. Yeah, it's pretty much been exactly a year since I made it. Why did I never post it anywhere? Well, there's a good reason; I expected to use it somewhere, as an album cover or something... especially one certain album, but since that probably won't ever be made, it's pretty much useless to keep this hidden somewhere and just, you know, never put it online.

...if it's not obvious, it's some kind of man thingy. I don't know why he's like that, or what he is, but that doesn't matter. :P

My penis is 63 inches.

Well, I had already done an image of the same "subject" before, but it sucked and was completely retarded (I didn't post it in this blog at all). So anyway, while I was discussing batman-shaped penis tumors with some random guy, I thought about doing a new picture about this. He suggested making flyers of it, but I don't have a printer so that's just a tiny obstacle on the way to do that. Anyway, I did a kind of one-panel comic thingy or whatever you'd call it, and completely failed the guy's fist of manliness. For obligatory selfishness, I have to claim that the result is amazing.

It's a thumbnail, lick it!

And now I made a video of this.

Apparently, now my name is Chuck Norris.

Easy guide on how to name yourself Chuck Norris!

1) Go to Google Translate.
2) Change the languages to english > chinese.
3) Put this there: "My name is not Chuck Norris."
4) Copy the result and put it from chinese > english.
5) Result is "My name is Chuck Norris."

Skinned alive and crucified? + Deformed Elephant Surgery update

For some reason, people being skinned alive is really disturbing. I mean, maybe it's because their skin gets cut off and it'd hurt like hell, or maybe it's because humans don't look nearly as normal without skin. Anyway, my point is that I googled "skinned alive and crucified" just to see if it's been used anywhere, and seems that that actually happened to some dude. Well, a bible dude, so it's pretty understandable, no one liked those guys back then, and as far as I know, they all were executed... pretty horrible. And no, I'm not saying that I like christianity, because I don't, but killing christians is wrong. It's killing people, and if you kill people, you're a shitty person. ...why did I start rambling about religion? My point was that some Bartholomew guy got skinned alive and crucified, or at least some people think that's how he died. I can't even imagine how much that'd hurt. Ouch...

ANYWAY, so I thought about it for a second and realized something. If that was a method for torture/execution over thousand years ago... that means people back then were more cruel than they're now. I mean, of course there are some people who are still big assholes and stuff. People torture each other in wars, etc. but not for doing whatever he did. I'm not sure what he did, but that's beside the point. He wasn't a criminal (I think?) and some people did that to him? Nowdays no one does that to anyone, even if they raped babies and ate them. Those kinds of people would deserve that, though... child molesters are seriously disgusting. But that's just my opinion.

...and I started rambling again. What I was trying to say was that if you look at the world now and into the history, you'll notice that it's not as bad as it used to be. Sure, there still are wars, there still are sick bastards, there still are pushy religious people, there still are bronies, there still are murderers... but still.

Now to my next point:

It's a pretty popular subject in stuff, people getting skinned alive, I think. The only things I can think of right now is a band named "Skinned Alive" and an episode of X Files, but you probably know thousands of other things. BLATANT SELF-PROMOTION TIME: I've made a song named "Skinned Alive and Fed to Priests". So, people apparently like others being skinned alive in fiction. I think it's cool too. It just is an interesting subject, both historically and for its shockiness, it's an easy way to make a "OH MY GOD THAT'S GOTTA HURT" thing. That leads to the conclusion that pineapples taste good but are hard to eat.

...

...huh? Oh, right. I wasn't talking about pineapples.

Also, a Deformed Elephant Surgery update thingy: there won't be any guest vocals by that one guy who I already announced would be doing guest vocals. Unless he somehow remembers/has enough time to record something... :< It's a very unlikely thing to happen now, since he's a really busy person, which is why I understand perfectly. Also, the new album is almost finished, I think. I'm not sure if I'll do one or two more songs (I'd like to, but I have a feeling no one has enough patience to wait a few more weeks...). So I'm probably gonna just do a few changes to the mostly finished songs and then upload it to Mediafire. I've done a few potential candidates for album art, tell me what's the best (if anyone ever even sees this...). They're all thumbnails, so click them to see bigger...

...myself, I think the first one is probably the best, but I'm not sure. Anyway, um... the album title is "Astral Contiguity", like you 99% likely already noticed. Yeah, I know, it's pretty lame, but whatever. I like stuff that's somehow related to things like that. Lyrics aren't as much like that than on the last two albums, though... erm, I'll get a lot of shit down my neck for some song titles, I'm pretty sure of that. :P But hey, I'm used to that, even though it still hurts when people take everything too seriously and think like "oh, so you have like a garden gnome fetish"... luckily no one has ever thought that way, at least not enough to complain about it to me. I don't have a garden gnome fetish, or anything else like that. There aren't as many clean vocals, by the way. So if you didn't like my retarded emo-sounding faggot whining, you might like the new album more. Juuuuuuuuuust kidding, there's more of that than ever before. \(ᴼᴗᴼ)/

I just uploaded one finished song that's gonna be on the new album, please listen:

History has never been as sexy! ...wait, what?

Well, this is pretty old. Just a few photos from google images with speech bubbles added, put together to make a comic... with the expection of the third panel, that obviously is a bit edited by myself. :P Click for full size.

DISCLAIMER: This is not meant to offend anyone. Well, it'd likely offend Neo-Nazis, so I guess it's fine if that's who it offends...

Pregnancy

Well, I was bored and thought this would be funny (WARNING!!! Might cause epileptic seizures and/or facepalms:

...so yeah, it's not exactly long or anything, but I think it ended up pretty cool.

A garden gnome having sex with a rubber duck.

So, I had been using garden gnomes and rubber ducks for jokes for quite a while, and today I finally had the inspiration to... well, make some rubber duck + garden gnome art. The result:

It's a thumbnail, click it. The text is just to make it even more retarded. :P

Oh, and also, I uploaded it to imageshack just because: http://img100.imageshack.us/img100/2003/gardengnomefuckingaduck.jpg