The Rescue of the Prince from the Dragon's Cave (short story)

DISCLAIMER: This isn't serious. At all. So don't try to tell me that I suck at writing or that my sense of humour sucks. I just wanted to write something intentionally ridiculously stupid.

The knight rode into the dragon's cave with his blazing lance pointed straight forward to impale this bloodthirsty devilish lizard, but as soon as he entered, the powerful tail knocked him off the saddle and slammed him against the wall.

”Fear me, you monster!”, he roared with a mighty rough voice as he lifted his weapon high. ”I shall masturbate thee!”

The dragon laughed. ”You? Masturbate me?! No, you have it all wrong, you pitiful little knight, for it is you who will be masturbated tonight!”

”No!”, the knight yelled, running around to strike his blade deep into the beast's flesh from behind, preparing to masturbate him. With one fierce tug, he wrapped the monster's penis around his chest and squeezed so hard that a bit of blood bursted out from the tip. ”Feel my masturbation!”, he let out a majestic shout.

With the man's arms firmly sliding across the organ repeatedly, the lizard felt his strength diminish by the minute. ”Please, stop! No more, I beg you! Stop, noble knight, this is not your job! I'm not really the dragon who kidnapped the prince! Please listen to me! I am the prince!” And then, the terrifying abomination turned into a handsome man, his eyes sparkling with authority. His passion was ignited, and so he grasped the knight's crotch and pulled at his scrotum. ”Let me penetrate you now that you have rescued me, just like my father commanded!”

”Your father wants you to have sex with me?”, the knight gasped in wonder.

”No! He does not approve of our love, but I am willing to go against his will if you are with me!”

”Yes!”, he shouted from the bottom of his lungs, pulled down his pants and revealed his anus for the royal baton that was still the massive size of a dragon's. ”Fuck my ass!” He fucked his ass for hours and hours, long into the night, and they had so many orgasms that they could feed all the starving children in Africa for thousands of years. Then they got married and lived happily ever after.

~

...don't say I didn't warn you about it being stupid. Oh, and it's not supposed to be interpreted as homophobic. Like, what the hell? How could you even think about that?! It's fucking sex between two loving men. Anyone seeing that as homophobic needs to have their politics checked out.

A blackcore song with wah wah

That title says it all; I made a blackcore (black metal + deathcore/mathcore) song that has some wah wah stuff. I'm really proud of the song, since, like, as far as I know, there hasn't been anything exactly like it before, since wah wah even in just black metal is pretty uncommon, as it is in deathcore and mathcore (ok, it's kinda usual in some mathcore, but you get the point). :P



...and I know, that name is pretty retarded, but well. It's not intended to be the most serious song in the world. The lyrics are about, well, you can probably guess from the name, a Satan-worshipping inbred cult who live in a sort of cave.

Idiotic idioms + DES bandcamp + new version of Burning Bush Monkey

If you want to make people look at you like "wtf bro", say these things to them. I'm sure in a few days you'll become the village potato, or if you fail at delivering the punchline (since when do idioms have punchlines?), at least you'll become the village unicorn, and that's awesome as well.

Some of these are references to my songs, so if you say them, you're supporting me as well, so you get a free turtlefuck lesson from your nearest potato. If you don't, well, that's not my fault, but yours for trying to talk to a potato and expecting it to answer. Everyone knows that potatoes don't talk, they have fance to think about; it would make them look like tomatoes if they went around speaking to random people.

"The grass is greener at the end of the rainbow."
"A potato is mightier than a sword if the sword isn't a potato, but even if it is, the potato is still mightier."
"Don't hate me if your penis is smaller than mine, hate your penis and cut it off."
"No man can turtlefuck his own knee."
"Ladies and gentlemen, look at my unicorn. My unicorn has five legs."

...I'm sure that if you say the last one in a grocery store, they'll probably throw you out and give you 10€ to hire a prostitute for some reason, since they think you're sexually frustrated and that the fifth leg is a penis, even though it's not, it's a fifth leg that grows from the neck or stomach or chest or something. And also:

Click that banner image thingy to go to the Bandcamp page. Basically, people on Facebook convinced me to register there, and so i did, and uploaded the newest album there. Of course, it's only the actual album and not the extra stuff, since one of those had that Dalek sound, and without it, it wouldn't be the same, so all those extra songs aren't there, but I'm pretty sure no one cares one bit about that, since it was just one really boring deathcore song that had the most überbrutal breakdown that is humanely possible (notice the sarcasm; read as: the most clichéd breakdown that is so lame it can't even be comprehended by the human ears) ("Extermination", which is the one with the Dalek thing; click this to listen it on Youtube if you didn't already when I first uploaded it and posted that post about it (I can't make coherent sentences today for some reason...)) and a remastered/re-whatevered version of "Burning Bush Monkey", and of "Four-Dimensional Intercourse Pentagram", but that still sounded like absolute shit, and the awfully failed "Bunny-Induced Amnesia", which had that autotune fail (but I was too lazy to change it), and an overall very, very experimental (read as: a total mess) "Flying Combat Sharks", a short and porny version of "Hyperspherification", titled "Hypersphernography", and a short, lame "Rotten Crawling Things".

So yeah, if you download it from Bandcamp, you don't miss much. And besides, why would you download it from Bandcamp when you can download it from the blog post just before this one, which I'm gonna link here just to annoy you even more? (If the first links stop working, download from the ones under those; it's just divided differently.) But yeah, if you want to download it from there, go and download it from there. :P

By the way, I uploaded the remastered/re-recorded/re-edited/re-whatevered version of "Burning Bush Monkey" to Youtube.


I'm even more proud of it now, since the whole contrast between the happy pop-like parts and dubsteppish wub wub wub parts is a lot bigger, and I think it's probably not totally impossible to make out the lyrics. Of course, it could be that it is, but well... it's okay, since that's not the most important thing about stuff. If you want to download just this song, click this.

DES album progress update thingy + Saprophytic Nymphean Masochist

The album, "Pink Unicorn's Extraordinary Adventures" is not finished yet, but it won't take long anymore. That's the album art, with an epic unicorn thingy and stuff. XD A lot of the songs are as unbrutal as can be, as in less brutal than Rebecca Black, but it's going to be the best album ever, at least the best album I've ever done (at least the best DES album), once again. Or maybe not, maybe "Ubiquitous Astrolatric Oneirotheosis" will always be the best, but well. I uploaded one of the most embarrassing songs to Youtube. There's a pretty long part with rapping that has ring modulation in it, which makes it sound like the most racist and sexist thing ever, but it's not meant to be racist or sexist or anything. It's just rapping with ring modulation in it. :P

Let the facepalm orgies ensue:

My penis is 63 inches.

Well, I had already done an image of the same "subject" before, but it sucked and was completely retarded (I didn't post it in this blog at all). So anyway, while I was discussing batman-shaped penis tumors with some random guy, I thought about doing a new picture about this. He suggested making flyers of it, but I don't have a printer so that's just a tiny obstacle on the way to do that. Anyway, I did a kind of one-panel comic thingy or whatever you'd call it, and completely failed the guy's fist of manliness. For obligatory selfishness, I have to claim that the result is amazing.

It's a thumbnail, lick it!

And now I made a video of this.

Reversing questions

So, I was kinda half-trolling on Omegle (in the question thingy), asking people these things, and responses are pretty hilarious. I didn't save any logs, but the questions were stuff like this. Although not only these ones, and not exactly the same ones (at least not all, probably) but you know. Stuff like this.

Instead of asking "do you like sex?" (I know you're all perverts who like sex), I'll ask you: Does sex like you? •ᴗ•
 

Instead of asking "do you hate God?" (I know you're all atheists who hate God), I'll ask you: Does God hate you? •ᴗ•

Instead of asking "do you know where Finland is?" (I know you're all stupid americans who don't know where Finland is), I'll ask you: Does Finland know where you are? •ᴗ•

Instead of asking "do you play videogames?" (I know you're all nerds who play videogames), I'll ask you: Do videogames play you? •ᴗ•

Instead of asking "do you masturbate to teletubbies?" (I know you're all weirdoes who masturbate to teletubbies), I'll ask you: Do teletubbies masturbate to you? •ᴗ•

Instead of asking "do you hate dubstep?" (I know you're all close-minded haters who hate dubstep), I'll ask you: Does dubstep hate you? •ᴗ•

Instead of asking "do you support racism?" (I know you're all racists who support racism), I'll ask you: Does racism support you? •ᴗ•

Instead of asking "do you know who George W Bush is?" (I know you all know who George W Bush is), I'll ask you: Does George W Bush know who you are? •ᴗ•

Deformed Elephant Surgery new album title... ugh.

Yeah, I'm not sure if it'll be "Astral Contiguity". I mean, it sounded retarded in the first place, and now that I've been doing more and more songs, it just doesn't seem really fitting at all. So, it's gonna be something else. I have no idea what yet... but well. :P

A superhero named Man + Man in Egoboo

You know when so many superheroes have names with "man" in them? Well, think of the most epic superhero ever... Man. Yeah, just man. A superhero named Man. Nothing else in his name, just pure manly manliness of men. He'd have supermegastrength, a crime-preventing kit (rapist remover, drug dealer detector, murderer mutilator, etc.) and be muscular, wear a fur hat, leather pants and a denim jacket, have a hairy chest and stuff. Then he'd exclaim his manliness in every possible situation, for example when beating a rapist to death, he'd scream "Look at me and you see a MAN!!!" or when chasing a murderer, "MEN FIGHT TO DEATH IN AN HONEST BATTLE!!!"

I once made an NPC like that for a town in Egoboo, but kinda stopped because of bugs and stuff like that. It's the reason why I never finish anything... then I made a playable Man, but never posted that because I still haven't finished it. Yeah, I know, I'm way too lazy... in any case, here's what that Man looked like:

Yeah, that's supposed to be a fur hat even though it looks like hair... anyway, um, yeah, no shirt but just suspenders. That was supposed to indicate confidence or something. You know, he's not embarrassed of wearing even slight homosexuality-suggesting clothes (or rapist-suggesting?) because he's so manly that his enormous manliness makes all men look like little girls. Or something. Basically, he didn't do anything else than say things like "I'm Man and I'm very manly" and "I'm wearing tight leatherpants", etc...

History has never been as sexy! ...wait, what?

Well, this is pretty old. Just a few photos from google images with speech bubbles added, put together to make a comic... with the expection of the third panel, that obviously is a bit edited by myself. :P Click for full size.

DISCLAIMER: This is not meant to offend anyone. Well, it'd likely offend Neo-Nazis, so I guess it's fine if that's who it offends...

A garden gnome having sex with a rubber duck.

So, I had been using garden gnomes and rubber ducks for jokes for quite a while, and today I finally had the inspiration to... well, make some rubber duck + garden gnome art. The result:

It's a thumbnail, click it. The text is just to make it even more retarded. :P

Oh, and also, I uploaded it to imageshack just because: http://img100.imageshack.us/img100/2003/gardengnomefuckingaduck.jpg