Deformed Elephant Surgery - Anecdotal Equine Ballistics (2014)

I've finished a new EP! It's pretty short, but I've been kinda busy with other things, so whatever.

01. Accidental Equine Transvection
02. Equilibration of the Crystallized Spirits
03. Intersex Lotus Juxtaposition
04. Transfigurative Iridescent Desiccation
Click the song names to listen on Youtube.

Download for free from Bandcamp, clicky-clicky-click. I also included instrumental versions of all the songs.

Um, bronies + pink unicorns + new DES song

Sometimes, people think I'm a brony. I mean, I get it; I like colourful unicorns and rainbows, I like the emoticon :3, I come across as immature sometimes, some of my music appeals to bronies, I like anything that would make any late scene kid scream "KAWAIIIII~" from the bottom of their lungs, I often like bronies and bronettes, etc... but I don't like My Little Pony.

And yes, I've tried to get into MLP, but I just can't bring myself to watch even one episode without facepalming my palms sweatier than Eminem after hearing that MGK thinks his daughter is hot. Does that mean I hate it and every brony/bronette in existence? Fuck no.

So, if you're a brony/bronette, don't hate me, because I probably think you're one pretty cool ass awesome person.

Oh, and I know the female equivalent of a brony is actually "pegasister", but that's too much like Peg-A-Sister, which sounds like an incestuous version of Whack-A-Mole... a game where any number of female participants stand on one side of a wall with a gloryhole for each, the single male participant on the other side given freedom to insert his penis into these holes to engage in penetrative sex with the corresponding female participants, but he has to choose one. There's a timer that runs down from a number of minutes equal to the amount of female participants. If he's fucking his sister when the timer runs out, he wins and the prize is to have one of his testicles surgically removed and a literal slap on the wrist. If, on the other hand, he's fucking anybody but his sister when the timer runs out, his dick and balls will be stuffed through a meatgrinder and the word "rapist" tattooed on his forehead. His sister will then win 100 000€ in compensation for physical and emotional suffering, and each of the other participants will receive therapy/counselling because it probably hurts to have sex with a guy who thinks he's fucking his own sister.

...and now that that's off the way, moving on to another subject. I present to you, a pink unicorn with cheesy glitter nipples being molested by tentacles! (Click it for full size.)

Ignore the fact that there's no tail, I forgot and got lazy... but you'll get plenty of that in just a moment, so don't get on my ass about it or anything. This is probably one of the best art-things I've ever done, so I'm really proud. I don't know if I should be, but I am.

I also posted it on Tumblr. In case it's not painfully obvious what my url is, it's vlyrch.tumblr.com because I'm imaginative like that. That was sarcasm, by the way, if someone's deaf/blind to that. I can't come up with names for things easily, and so I usually go with the most obvious, lame and boring thing ever. That applies to lyrics and song titles, album titles, etc. even more than anything else, so yeah... creativity and stuff comes naturally, but organisation... eh... not so much.

...and since it's one of my great dreams in life to find a horse and strap a dildo on its head... creating the first real-life specimen of a whole new subspecies of unicorn to-be-labelled equus unicornis phallicus... and set up cameras to record the owner's reaction, make a song with samples from his/her noises, then get someone to edit the video to be awesome with flashy effects and shit as a music video... but my balls aren't nearly big enough to do that, so I have to settle for something less dramatic and epic. A lot less dramatic. Even less epic.

It's yet another pink unicorn, only this one is... well... the most blatantly Freudian incarnation of unicorn symbolism? (Again, click to make it bigger.)

As you can see, I spent way too much time on making the penis detailed. Is that a bad thing? Does it make me a pervert? Well, let me tell you: it doesn't. Because, I mean, if I was a pervert, I'd do something kinky with a phallic unicorn. But I wouldn't, so I can't be a pervert. Not that kinda pervert, at least. Like, what kind of a sick fuck would dare touch that glorious cock? What. Did that sound as gay as I think it did? Doesn't matter. I'm not gay for unicorns, or mostly gay in general, unless we're talking about a certain guy. Or a bunch of guys, really. But I'm mostly straight, so...

...

And last night (or... whenever the fuck that was), I was just minding my own business, doing nothing, really, when I suddenly noticed that there had been two more "likes" on Facebook... and now, it just blows my mind. THERE ARE SIX HUNDRED PEOPLE WHO LIKE MY MUSIC. WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL SHIT?!?!!?

THANKS, EVERYONE, FOR SUPPORTING ME!!!

Sadly, I literally haven't finished even one song since "Rushed Light Onset" yet, apart from this one and a shitty goregrind thing... oh well. I tried to make this a little more "structural" than most stuff I've done, but I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Either way, here's "Accidental Equine Transvection", which ended up sounding pretty cool in my own humble(?) opinion:



EDIT, 23rd of April:
Included the new version of the song, which you can download from Bandcamp for free: click here, along with the EP that it's on, "Anecdotal Equine Ballistics".

The Rescue of the Prince from the Dragon's Cave (short story)

DISCLAIMER: This isn't serious. At all. So don't try to tell me that I suck at writing or that my sense of humour sucks. I just wanted to write something intentionally ridiculously stupid.

The knight rode into the dragon's cave with his blazing lance pointed straight forward to impale this bloodthirsty devilish lizard, but as soon as he entered, the powerful tail knocked him off the saddle and slammed him against the wall.

”Fear me, you monster!”, he roared with a mighty rough voice as he lifted his weapon high. ”I shall masturbate thee!”

The dragon laughed. ”You? Masturbate me?! No, you have it all wrong, you pitiful little knight, for it is you who will be masturbated tonight!”

”No!”, the knight yelled, running around to strike his blade deep into the beast's flesh from behind, preparing to masturbate him. With one fierce tug, he wrapped the monster's penis around his chest and squeezed so hard that a bit of blood bursted out from the tip. ”Feel my masturbation!”, he let out a majestic shout.

With the man's arms firmly sliding across the organ repeatedly, the lizard felt his strength diminish by the minute. ”Please, stop! No more, I beg you! Stop, noble knight, this is not your job! I'm not really the dragon who kidnapped the prince! Please listen to me! I am the prince!” And then, the terrifying abomination turned into a handsome man, his eyes sparkling with authority. His passion was ignited, and so he grasped the knight's crotch and pulled at his scrotum. ”Let me penetrate you now that you have rescued me, just like my father commanded!”

”Your father wants you to have sex with me?”, the knight gasped in wonder.

”No! He does not approve of our love, but I am willing to go against his will if you are with me!”

”Yes!”, he shouted from the bottom of his lungs, pulled down his pants and revealed his anus for the royal baton that was still the massive size of a dragon's. ”Fuck my ass!” He fucked his ass for hours and hours, long into the night, and they had so many orgasms that they could feed all the starving children in Africa for thousands of years. Then they got married and lived happily ever after.

~

...don't say I didn't warn you about it being stupid. Oh, and it's not supposed to be interpreted as homophobic. Like, what the hell? How could you even think about that?! It's fucking sex between two loving men. Anyone seeing that as homophobic needs to have their politics checked out.

Smunctrum - Dead End (2013)

01. Hungry Swarth
02. Lolibacon
03. Orgasmic Dystrophy
04. Tongue Extraction
05. Sacrificial Vitrification
06. Barehanded Decapitation
07. Postmortem Incest
08. Blowtorch Throatfuck
09. Sulfuric Acid Trip
10. Brain Death
11. Dead End

DOWNLOAD from Bandcamp
DOWNLOAD from Mediafire

Nves (guitar, bass, programming)
Vlürch (vocals, programming, synth)
Jesus (guitar, vocals)
D.K. (vocals)

~

So yeah, it took a while to get this album to the point it was ready to be uploaded anywhere, mostly because of unrelated things and stuff... all the songs were like finished a pretty long time ago, but there were things like my voice getting all shit and at least Nves having a life and whatnot. Anyway, here it is, if anyone actually gives a shit, which would be nice.

RIP Nelson Mandela

Everyone dies, but it always seems like the people who've done great things die the most suddenly. I mean, he'd been having health problems, yeah, but him being Nelson Mandela, it seemed like he'd live forever; I know I'm not the only one who thought this way, right? And in a way, of course, he's still alive and will be alive forever, by people remembering him.

Deformed Elephant Surgery - Rushed Light Onset (2013)

I've finished a new EP. It's called "Rushed Light Onset", since it's kinda rushed and it mostly sounds like shit. Still, every song has parts that I'm proud of, which is why I released it anyway.

DOWNLOAD from Bandcamp

01. Biomechanochemical Agglomeration of the Behemoths
02. Angel Lust Murder
03. Freedom
04. Groove-lo-fi-Raptor
05. SW☆G
06. Projectile Tentacle Pathogen (remastered)
07. Coalescent Visceral Dissolution (remastered)
08. Groove-lo-fi-Raptor (instrumental)
09. Mermaids and Magic Wands (instrumental)
10. Biomechanochemical Agglomeration of the Behemoths (instrumental)
11. SW☆G (instrumental)

Oh look, it's halloween (new Heave the Sun + a zombie thingy)

...and because of that, I was in the mood to do some dark ambient:


Also finally posted this on Tumblr and now here. I hadn't before, even though I'd already done it like a month ago:

Deformed Elephant Surgery - Sugracine (2013) + future plans

Yeah, this album sucks for the most part, but I still wanted to upload it everywhere and shit. Isn't that how babies are made?

01. Bepurpalusk
02. North Korea
03. Projectile Tentacle Pathogen
04. Shadows
05. Paradise
06. A Plumber's Wet Pipe Dream
07. Swaglocked in a Downbeatbox
08. Necrotizing Erotogenic Chthonophagia
09. Mermaids and Magic Wands
10. Stains (of a Princess)

Download from Mediafire or from Bandcamp

...and I messed up the order of the songs, but I was too lazy to fix it, since I already uploaded it to Mediafire and half to Bandcamp. It was supposed to be so that "Swaglocked in a Downbeatbox" and "Necrotizing Erotogenic Chthonophagia" are the other way around, but it doesn't really matter, since they both sound like absolute shit. :P

~

Anyway, there will be a much better album later, not sure if this year or next, since I'm kinda slow at doing stuff that's actually even remotely good... but if you want a preview of what kind of stuff that will be, listen "Biomechanochemical Agglomeration of the Behemoths" and "SW☆G". Heaviness will vary, of course, but at least a few more songs will have kinda death metalish parts, unless I totally screw up and get tired of doing that or something.

Lars Dreams (short story)

Today, Lars woke up with his feet aching. He'd never felt pain in his extremities before, so this was a new sensation for him, a new experience to write about. You see, Lars was a writer. Not a very good one, but one who got famous by writing about hot chicks having sex with hot guys, with quite a few of his books made into pseudo-pornographic films.

”I'm probably dying,” he grunted, looking down at his toes. All mangled and red, like he'd kicked at the bedposts. Then he realised that that was exactly what he had done, he'd dreamt of muggers in a bus. He fought hard, but not hard enough, since they took all his money.

Why did he think he was dying? Well, it's simple. Little Lars was already in his late fifties, and he'd always been the type to sustain an unhealthy diet ever since he was a kid. Today, though, was very different. His feet hurt like hell, and he'd never hurt like hell before. Only little pains, corresponding with his height and body fat.

Suddenly, a fierce grope on his stomach. This was it, he was taking his last breath. What a long and painful breath it was...

~

Lars woke up with his feet aching. He'd never felt pain in his extremities before, or anywhere else, so this was a new and exciting sensation. You see, Lars was a fetus. Not a very developed one, but one who got famous by spending ten years too long in his mother's womb. Upon birth, he surprised and baffled doctors all over the world by being alive, having dreamt of sex with hot chicks and hot guys those long years, dreamt of writing, having films made from his writings, and had a nightmare of his own death.

Now, Lars had a shot at real life. He could make those dreams come true, and he did; He became a famous writer with films made from his books, he married a beautiful woman half his age (if the years he spent in the uterus are included) and had children. Then, one day, he got mugged in the bus on the way home. He was stabbed, and later that night he died peacefully in his sleep.

What does Lars dream of now?

-----------------------------------------------------------

...yeah, this was just a thingy that came from an idea I had, about a guy who was a lithopedion and what life as one would be like. But yeah, it's really stupid.

New Smunctrum song, "Hungry Swarth"

So, here's finally a song that's ready to be uploaded in its entirety, and it'll be on the album that's in the process of being made... and there won't be any physical copies of it (unless some record label is up for charity, heh), even though that'd be cool. It's just that it'd be really difficult to arrange, both in terms of actually releasing it like that and how profits would be split.



I did most of the vocals, but around 0:30 and 1:00 is Jesus, and 2:50+ is DK. And of course, I did drum programming, too. Jesus and Nves recorded the guitar stuffs, and the latter also the bass. Not sure what the genre is, but industrial black metal and noisecore seem to be the most descriptive labels. Blackcore, of course, but that'd get the haters going a lot faster.

West Texania

Yeah.  Blah blah, West Texania, the state that shares borders with Texas and West Virginia. They're really fucking inbred and believe that George W. Bush invented dubstep. Any questions?

Disgusting vs disturbing

This subject has been ranted to death by some people, but I'll have to join that long line of annoyed individuals. Every time there's lists of "the most disturbing films" or such, they're ones filled with blood, guts and shit and so on. That's not disturbing, that's disgusting. Disturbing would be, for example, if you're watching a film that seems to be a happy family comedy, but it's just creeping the shit out of you for some reason; maybe it's the way the smile, or maybe they casually cook human bodyparts like it's the norm, it could be that one of them has their face the wrong way, or maybe the plot focuses on a legless kid who's strapped himself on a pair of dogs to move. Or maybe you have no clue what the hell is going on, but it's fucking your mind up and traumatising you forever.

It should be pretty straight-forward to remember the rules of thumb:
If it makes you wanna roll over and puke, it's disgusting.
If it makes you wanna crawl up in a ball, it's disturbing

So why do so many people, including professional film/literary/etc. critics keep getting it mixed up? It could be because they do go hand in hand quite a lot of the time, but what everyone should always remember is that they've never been mutually exclusive; they're easily paired and combined, but they're not synonyms.

I mean, it's not like I have anything against people using words incorrectly so long as there's a reason for it, but I just don't understand the reason being following in famous, influential people's footsteps in this kind of things.

New Smunctrum stuff

With some new members and a slight genre change, there'll be a full-length Smunctrum album sometime this year. Not sure when, since only three songs are done so far (and even they might not be 100% finished), but yeah. Here's a preview thingy to annoy people. Please, people who like it, get it going around the world like an STD. :P



And a necessary list of who's doing what, because yeah.

Nves (guitar, bass, programming)
Vlürch (vocals, programming) <-that's me, obviously
Jesus (guitar, sampling)
D.K. (vocals)

...so yeah, I'm the only one who isn't also in MAXD. You might think it'd get kind of awkward, but I don't really know if it is. I mean, it's not like we'd ever meet in person.

Lyhyt juttu kakasta / Short thing about poop

~Käpy ja Papparainen (Kakan Tarina)~

Käpy pudotti kakkakikkareen papparaisen kädelle. Pappa mietti hetken partaansa haroen, kunnes lopulta totesi että kakkahan on ruskeaa. Käpy käveli onnen kukkuloille, pudotellen runsaasti kakkaa matkan varrelle.

Tarinan opetus? Kakka on usein ruskeaa.

For those who can't understand Finnish, well, here's an English translation. It doesn't translate perfectly, since a lot of the retardness comes from the choice for words, but well:

~A Cone and an Old Man (Story of Poop)~

A cone dropped a piece of poop on an old man's hand. The old man pondered for a while, fumbling with his beard, until eventually stating that the poop is, in fact, brown. The cone walked to the hills of happiness, dropping a lot of poop on the way.

The moral of the story?  Poop is often brown.

Deformed Elephant Surgery - Synthcorevolution (2013)

I've finished the new album, yay! It's kinda short, a little less than an hour, but I'm really proud of it.

01. Synthcorevolution
02. Lions in a Racecar Shoot-Out
03. The Skinner, the Gutter and the Boner
04. Miasmatic Ectoplasm Hallucinosis
05. Quadricephalic Heterosporous Endosymbiont
06. Cocktouch Mountain (remix)
07. Bepurpalusk
08. Apocalyptic Monument in the Sevenfold Vortex of Chaos
09. Ornamental Mummification of the Sequoian Demigods
10. Bumpreacher

Download: http://www.mediafire.com/?fezx4govvd3ih2h

If you like it, please go "like" on Facebook and tell your friends to listen, etc.

And here are all those unnecessary links to all the sites I've put my stuff to, just because.
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Deformed-Elephant-Surgery/248395521849451
Bandcamp: http://deformedelephantsurgery.bandcamp.com/
Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/deformedelephantsurgery
Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/user/DxExSx